I learned the importance of letting my mind wander, especially when diving into a new relationship. We (the new partner and I) both actively practicing being present, is it's easy to see when the other mentally checks out.
We'd spent a lovely weekend together, in the flow of us. Whenever either of us let our mind wander, the energy would change. He would stop me every time he saw me disappear. I felt a bit internally itchy... something in this collaborate practice was bugging my inner self. I put a pin in understanding what was going on. I was soon leaving him to take a road trip, my favorite way to seek mental clarity.
It took me five hours to get from Venice to Big Bear, a lot of unpleasant emotions came up as I crawled along the 210 East.
As the mental congestion buzzed, I let the wide array of thoughts and feelings express themselves, each allowed a few moments on the podium to voice their concerns. A new relationship on the table, my internal committee had a lot they wanted to bring up. I was in a safe place sitting solo in my car, I didn't have to entertain or worry if my silence would trigger someone else.
As I got closer to the mountain, the road and my internal noise let up. I hit the windy road, opened the window, took a big old whiff of that crisp mountain air and finally felt at peace. The road was smooth and windy on the way up, occasionally I'd pass slower cars, or let others pass me. I wasn't triggered by someone driving at a different pace anymore because I'd cleared out all the emotional clutter.
Once I got to the cabin tucked away on a quiet street, it hit me. I needed this. I need the opportunity to let my mind wander, time and space to be without being asked, "what's going on inside?" All that came up in the five hours had little to do with him. I had learned from my 20s that throwing up my internal dialogue on a lover served no one. We all carry around mind clutter, that needs to be cleaned up by the individual. Had a not put a pin in my itchiness back in LA, I might have fallen into an old pattern of thrown up a Santa Clause Size bag full of shit his way, which had nothing to do with him.
When we connected again, I voiced how our beautiful overactive minds both need space to wander... that I can only find my open road and fresh air if I am allowed to drive like a crazy person for a little bit. Its possible to safely drive my vehicle spitting out all my crap to eventually find a new form of center. In order for me to keep our collaboration somewhat healthy, I needed to do solo driving when I feel my internal itch.